In June 2019, I wrote the word “ASPIRATIONS” in my journal, all caps and underlined. The first item beneath it read “Handstand, because it’s one of those things I’ve just accepted I’ll never do.” Underneath that: “Scuba dive, because I’m afraid and it’s not something I’ve ever pictured myself doing.” Underneath that: “Finish a story, because it terrifies me.”
Nine months after I wrote down these goals, COVID happened. Sure, I could’ve kept moving forward with those aspirations during lockdown; it’s not like I needed to go anywhere to work on one of my dozens of half-finished short stories or start trying handstands. But the truth is, I was in no place, mentally or emotionally, to experiment with new hobbies and goals. Uncertainty was everywhere — why would I sign up for more? It was all I could do to read my books and watch my shows and bake my emotional-support banana bread, cocooning myself against the COVID-induced fear, anxiety, and isolation.
As the world started to open back up (for better or worse), years later, I began to realize that this comfort zone was starting to feel more like a rut. When confronted with a new experience — downloading a dating app, reaching out to a friend I haven’t talked to in a while — I froze, cowered, and crawled back into bed. Sometimes, that’s fine — sometimes, I legitimately don’t want to go to a dinner or pottery class or a date I’m not really feeling. Sometimes, it’s self-care. But other times — and I can tell the difference — it’s still fear.
According to my therapist, this is my anxiety trying to keep me safe (and stationary) forever. “It wants to keep you where you are,” she says, “because anything new is unknown and therefore terrifying.” This makes sense, and I get it, but I also want out of the spiral. I want to try handstands and scuba diving and things I never imagined myself doing. I can sense that my comfort era has overstayed its welcome, but how do I know if I’m ready to move past it? And if I am ready — where do I even start? Here’s what mental health experts had to say.
Experts Featured in This Article:
Kelly Neupert, LPC, is a psychotherapist at Chicago Relational Therapy.
Carla Marie Manly, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of “The Joy of Imperfect Love.”
Ellie Borden, BA, RP, MCC, is a psychotherapist, clinical director, and clinical supervisor at Mind by Design Psychology.
Alexandra McNulty, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety disorders at McNulty Psychotherapy and Integrative Wellness.
Elyse D. Schunkewitz, LCSW, is a holistic psychotherapist.
It’s Not Your Comfort Zone’s Fault
It’s easy to demonize your comfort zone as the thing keeping you away from all your big, shiny, terrifying goals — god knows I’ve done it — but your comfort zone itself is not inherently bad. Everyone has a comfort zone. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to hang out there for a while. “There’s a pressure in our society to constantly grow, evolve, and hustle,” says psychotherapist Kelly Neupert, LPC. That pressure can make us doubt and question ourselves when we finally decide to rest or “lean into comfortability,” Neupert says.
If you’re truly, authentically happy where you are, it’s fine to stay there. Don’t feel like you have to change because society demands it. It’s perfectly OK to lean into your moments of peace and comfort, especially if you’re going through a tough time. “It’s actually important for us to have sufficient space to be in our comfort zones, especially when our lives or the world in general feel too chaotic or unpredictable,” explains clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD. “If being in your comfort zone feels good and gives you the space you need to learn and expand, you may be in just the right place.” You’re not required to be chasing big goals and pushing yourself all the time, even if it seems like that’s what everyone else is doing. (FYI: they’re probably not.)
When the world opened up post-pandemic, Dr. Manly says many people may have felt pressured to “expand their lives” before they were actually ready to do so. If the idea of pushing past your comfort zone causes significant anxiety or panic, “it may indicate it is better to stay within your comfort [zone] for the moment, since you are not ready to try something new,” says psychotherapist Ellie Borden, BA, RP, MCC. “You should not put your mental health in jeopardy,” she says.
But How Do I Know If I’m Ready?
I think we all know, in our guts, when we’re ready to start branching out of our comfort zone, but sometimes, that instinct isn’t enough to overcome the fear. So how can you convince yourself that you’re ready or, conversely, realize that it might not be time yet?
The short answer is to look at what’s motivating you. “Are you staying in place due to fear of taking a risk or being uncomfortable, or because you’re authentically content with where you are?” Neupert asks. “If your fear is preventing you from living life according to your values, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone.”
Here’s a way of sussing out the difference. Ask yourself: if you could wave a magic wand and make the fear and anxiety go away, would you want to do this thing? The answer may provide clarity about what’s really stopping you, says psychotherapist Alexandra McNulty, LCSW. “[This] can help us be more intentional in our choices,” she adds.
Let’s say you want to be in a relationship but have avoided dating due to fear of rejection. If you could magically make that fear disappear, is there anything else holding you back? If the answer is no, it’s not that you’re merely content with your current circumstances — fear is holding you back. That’s not to say the fear isn’t valid, real, and a legitimate reason not to act — you’re just recognizing it as the reason you haven’t been taking action. Now you have more information to work with before you move forward.
What Does It Take to Move Forward?
By definition, leaving your comfort zone is going to be uncomfortable. For that reason, experts recommend taking it slow. “If you stay in the comfort zone forever, you’ll never grow,” says psychotherapist Elyse D. Schunkewitz, LCSW. “But you don’t want to push yourself so far out initially when trying something new that your nervous system enters danger territory.” Here’s what you should do instead. As a note, if you deal with intense panic, fear, or anxiety, it may also be worth speaking with a mental health professional for more personalized medical advice.
- Accept Fear and Discomfort: It’s all part of the process. “Taking risks will always be uncomfortable,” Neupert explains. Minimizing or invalidating this discomfort is counterproductive and will ultimately bring you down. Instead of pushing away the discomfort, Neupert suggests reframing your mindset in a way that acknowledges it: “I know this will be uncomfortable, and I can handle it.”
- Challenge Your Brain: We’re all a lot more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. Yes, leaving your comfort zone is scary, but there’s a good chance your brain is overselling the threat — and for good reason. “Our nervous systems are wired for survival, and the brain survives by pattern recognition or prediction,” Schunkewitz points out. “As long as we stay in our comfort zone, we can predict what might likely happen next. If we move outside of our comfort zone, trying something new and challenging ourselves, it’s much harder to predict.” In other words, your brain has a tendency to interpret any type of uncertainty as a threat, sending you into full-blown panic mode. It may help to pause and give yourself some perspective: is this actually as terrifying as your brain is telling you it is?
- Work Towards a Long-Term Goal: To help leave your comfort zone, you may want to pick a long-term goal, then plan “small but achievable” steps to get there. For example, if your ultimate goal is to start dating, your first step could be as small as researching dating apps. The next step could be downloading one of them, then starting to build your profile. As a whole, “starting to date” may feel like an overwhelming goal, but focusing on smaller step makes it feel less impossible. “As you accomplish the smaller goals, the more you will build confidence and be able to maintain being outside of your comfort zone,” Borden explains. Not only is this an example of sustainable goal-setting, but it’s also less intimidating than forcing yourself to accomplish the entire goal all at once.
A lot of incredible experiences, places, and people live outside your comfort zone, and working up the courage to see them isn’t easy. Taking small steps, giving yourself perspective, and accepting the fear and anxiety can all help. Chances are, you’ll know when you’re ready to leave your comfort era — speaking from personal experience. If there’s a small, determined part of you telling you it’s ready to try something new (be it handstands or scuba diving), it might be time to listen.
— Additional reporting by Chandler Plante
Maggie Ryan was an assistant editor at PS. A longtime runner and athlete, Maggie has nearly four years of experience covering topics in the wellness space, specializing in fitness, sports, nutrition, and mental health.
Chandler Plante (she/her) is an assistant health and fitness editor for PS. She has over four years of professional journalism experience, previously working as an editorial assistant for People magazine and contributing to Ladygunn, Millie, and Bustle Digital Group.
